11 Years - The Times They Are A Changin'

Eleven years ago on the 23rd I was given a second chance at life by the family of Tiffany Fleethart Mashore, who had made the courageous decision to be an organ donor.  I've always said these are "bonus years" for me.  I've seen my parents celebrate their 50th Wedding Anniversary and will soon see my father celebrate his 80th birthday.  I've seen children of friends and family graduate from high school and college and start their own lives.  I've seen students that I've had in the past become teachers themselves.

But this past year has been a difficult one.  My 60 pills a day are catching up with me.  The prednisone that I have to take to keep from going into rejection (had a serious issue about 4 years ago) has its own side effects, one of which is the thinning of your bones.  This summer, I had a bone density test and was told there was significant reduction from the last one about 4 years ago.  Then in October, I began to develop some back issues that have turned out to be pretty significant.  My lumbar vertebra, which should be straight across the top, look like your molars.  These "dips" cause my disc's the slip which causes some pain.  In addition, I have spinal fractures which are causing the majority of my pain.

There have been times where I haven't been able to work, and I hate leaving my fellow counselors short handed.  I feel that I have a pretty good pain tolerance but when it takes 20 minutes to put on your socks and you scream when you try to get out of bed, somethings not right.  I've had an MRI and saw both a hip and back specialist who say there is no surgery that will help.  I've gotten a pain doctor who gave me a lumbar ejection which did give some relief, but I still am in pain at a level of 4-6 nearly everyday.

In addition, my cardiologist said my heart was in good shape but that my chances of surviving to year 20 drop from the 50% range I am in now to 25%, and the following 5 years after that to about 10%.  So, while the heart is doing well, all the drugs that keep me alive have significant impact on my future.

So, the question becomes, what to do?  While I'm not retirement age or eligible yet, do I go ahead and retire and try to get disability?  There is no way I can live on retirement itself....it barely pays for my insurance and pharmacy bill, let alone rent, food, and bills.  I'm not sure that even with disability, that is going to be possible.

I've got one last shot for pain relief coming up on the 29th....the pain doc is going to try to insert some "liquid cement" in these fractures to see if we can stabilize them enough to give me some relief.  The aqua therapy that I've done for the month has helped with balance and some strength, but that has been about it.

I'm somewhat discouraged, in pain, depending on my family to help with basic things like house cleaning and grocery shopping, and feeling guilty that I'm not able to help my parents as I should...rather at their age they are having to continue to help me.  I've got some major life decisions to make soon, and I'd appreciate your prayers as I go through the process.  I'm really hoping this procedure will be successful so that I can delay some of this for a couple of years, but I know it is coming.

As I said in the beginning of this post, I'm grateful for the extra time I've had, and I hope I've done something with it to make a difference.  I would just like to have a little bit more time, if possible...and preferably pain free.

Giving Thanks

As the holiday season approaches, and the start of my school year has been busy and challenging, I'm taking stock of all I should be thankful for.  My earliest memories of Thanksgiving always involved family, so that is the first thing I'm thankful for.

My parents have, and continue, to provide for my every need.  From my earliest memories of walking hand in hand with my father, to recently being in the kitchen learning my mother's "tricks" for her dressing and pumpkin pies, I've grown to cherish every minute with them.  There was a time when we weren't sure we'd get to have our cherished holidays together anymore, but God had different plans.  Now, we value every call, every meal, and every conversation we have been granted.  My brother and I have been given a great gift in our parents and I hope they know how much we love them.

Thanksgiving memories always include thinking of my grandparents, Lawrence and Goldie Gore.  I was always close to them, namely because I was the only grandchild for 7 years (yes, I was spoiled by that side of the family...I'll gladly admit it) and the apple of their eyes.  My grandmother would have a new dress made for me and my grandfather gave me my love of music and the outdoors.  When we moved back to Oklahoma in 1972, I would spend weekends at their house.  My grandmother taught me how to cook and can food, and my grandfather taught me how to fish.  I was really good at catching "wood bass" which was his term for the tree branches the lures often found their way to.  We always spent Thanksgiving at their house, with 1978 being the last time.  My grandfather went to his Heavenly home the Monday after Thanksgiving in 1978.  After that, we had our gatherings at our house.  The holidays were a little less bright after that.  But now they are spent remembering those no longer with us and missing aunts/uncles/cousins who now have families of their own to make their own memories with.

Ray and Avis Bendure had over 30 grandchildren to spread their love among.  Most of my younger years were spent with them in the summer as we pipe lined, but we would spend Christmas Eve with the entire family after hastily making fast trips from Illinois to arrive on time.  My grandfather had a nickname for me, JJ, and we still put up the small Christmas ornament he bought me nearly 50 years ago...which has miraculously made it through many moves.  My grandmother loved to get me into a "debate" (really, she just loved to get me riled up and argue with her) until my parents had to tell her to stop.  Between Grandpa Gore and Grandma Avis, I inherited their bright blue eyes.  My grandfather had less than an 8th grade education and my grandmother had a less than ideal childhood, but they found their way to each other and created a large family who have gone on to do successful things.

Last but not least, I have been granted a fantastic brother and sister-in-law.  There are 7 years difference between Robert and I, and that was a lot of fun during my teenage years, but we both know that if we need something all we have to do is call the other.  In fact, we often have the ability to just know when we need to speak to each other.  Robert supported me during the transplant and offered to stand by my decision whichever way it went.  He comes when I need something that I just can't do.  He's helped me fulfill some of my dreams by taking me to concerts and shows that I wouldn't be able to attend otherwise.  Susan, has the same feelings toward family as we do.  The care she showed for her father while he was ill and now as she checks on her mother and helps her brother with his school proves that Robert made the perfect mate choice.

Here's hoping that all of my friends and family take a moment to discover what they are thankful for during this weekend.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in the busyness of the holiday rather than to slow down and just say thanks.  It is good to stop the madness of Black Friday and jumping to the next holiday and take stock of what we should be grateful for....family, friends, a wonderful country, the men and women who constantly defend it, and everything that we have.  As the song says, "give thanks with a grateful heart".

Summer 2015

As school was ending this year, I felt really bad.  It had been a difficult year opening a "new" school (going from 9/10 to 9th only with over 1300 students), working with new administration, being the building test coordinator, and dealing with a lot of stress.  I was basically exhausted, but I also began to notice some swelling in my feet.

After school with the kids ended, I made an appointment to see Dr. E.  I had an echo ran then met with him.  Ejection fraction was still in the 60's and the echo showed no issues with the heart, however, he agreed that I was putting on some water and increased my Lasix dosage to twice a day along with the same increase in potassium.  He also prescribed some compression socks, set me up with a Doppler echo of my legs to check the valves in the veins, and told me that I would have blood work in two weeks to check my kidneys with the new script, then again in September.  If all went well, he'd see me in December but if I continued to feel bad to get back with him asap.  After dropping about 5 lbs of water weight in about a week, and finally getting away from work, I felt a great deal better.

Most of the rest of my summer has been spent doing some appointments I had put off such as a mammogram, bone density test, primary doc appointment, eye appointment (gotta love having to get bifocal contacts), taking my folks on a quick trip to visit old friends in Illinois, and going to a conference for the school in Tucson.

While in Tucson, I met some co-workers and we visited with someone we worked with the last year we were a 9/10 center who have moved their after retiring in Oklahoma to "double dip" retirement in Arizona.  The two nights I was there, they drove from about an hour away to show me where they lived, their schools, and a fun trip up Mt. Lemmon where we were nearly stuck by a tree across the road.  Nothing like being 106 when they picked me up at ground level in Tucson, going up about 8500 ft to where it was 62 degrees with 15 mph winds that knock down trees across the road after being in a Jeep with the top down as it rained on you.  Great memories!

Now, I have about 10 days till I have to report back.  I'm trying to get excited.  And I'm trying to find fun ways to spend these last days.  Last week, a co-worker and I went to one of the Casino's here in town...spent 5 hours and wound up making $50.  Plan on going to another one next week...hope the luck continues.  My father has eye surgery on Friday so I'll be going with them to that.  I had hoped to take another little trip someplace but time is running out.  I think, instead, I may take a trip with a friend to Nashville over Fall Break to get away and relieve some of the beginning of the year stress.

That was one of the things I was told when I saw Dr. E....to take better care of myself and not worry about others.  So, this year, my goal is to try to take some time off when I feel stressed, find ways to enjoy myself more, and find some way to be able to afford vacations more often!