Year Two

The beginning of '05 was more of a concern for my brother than I. He began his chemo for non-Hodgkin's lymphoma as I continued with biopsy and blood work to check for rejection. I continued to work out three times a week with a recumbrant bike and started getting my place back together. My family had taken everything down, scrubbed the walls, cleaned the carpets, etc. to get rid of any bacteria or germs so that when I came home everything was as sterile as possible. Kept that up for the first year, then the docs felt that I had began to develop some antibodies on my own so we could ease up on that.

I continued with changes in medication...around 35 pills a day now. Sometimes I would go back on predinsone. I hate that stuff! Keeps me up till all hours of the day/night, gives you an increase in weight, hair growth in places you don't want it, and that lovely moonface syndrome.

The first anniversary was hard. By this time I knew that the heart was "young" and came from the OKC area. As I celebrated my new "first" birthday, there was a family in OKC that was mourning a death. You can't help but wonder what would have happened if things would have turned out differently. Would my parents be mourning my death? How would I have been remembered? Would they have thought I was a decent person, a reliable friend, a considerate daughter, a supportive sister? Were the family in OKC thinking those same things about their loss? I also thought about all the people that had been there for me during that last year. My parents, brother, and sister-in-law. My friends, and especially my "3 angels" that sent me flowers to celebrate my new "first birthday". I was grateful to be alive but felt guilty that someone else had to die in order for me to live. Yet, that was exactly what Jesus did for all of us. I wondered what I should be doing with my life - was I doing enough to honor the one who gave me this second chance? And all those people who gripped about those minor issues in their life like drama queens....I wanted to shout at them that there were far more important things to worry about.

I had my annual heart cath around the anniversary time. I get tired of all the poking and prodding but it is a small sacrifice to be alive. Dr. Lewis took me off the Valcyte that I was taking to fight the CMV. I took my "3 angels" out to dinner to celebrate and thank them for all the help they'd given me this past year.

In April, the Transplant Clinic let me know that LifeShare had a package for me from the donor family. As I was thinking of all that, Lisa sent me a text message that her son had been in a serious car wreck but luckily wasn't hurt. All I could think of was it could have been so much different and they could have been a family being asked to donate organs. It opened my eyes to what a donor family has to go through. Then, the parent of the young man who died and became a donor right after I had my transplant called and wanted to get together and talk about the people Allen had helped. As I had another biopsy, I found out that a couple of transplant patients that I had been seeing in clinic on a regular basis were having rejection issues and not doing well at all. One had just been diagnosed with lung cancer.

The meds that we take to fight rejection can cause a lot of other issues, one of which is cancer. Since my family has a history of very aggressive cancer it has always been a concern for me. I guess all of this came down hard on my emotions during this time. I met with Allen's mom and talked with her and got the package from my donor family.

My donor was Tiffani Mashore Fleehart from Moore, Ok. She was 20 years old and had been married for 4 months. She was working on a nursing degree and had been a registered donor since she got her driver's license. She excelled in softball and band, traveled to Europe. She was raised by her grandparents because her parents divorced. She was killed in a car wreck. Her husband survived. Apparently, her husband got my first letter but didn't tell Tiffani's family. Once they learned of the letter, they asked him for my information and made contact. They wanted to meet at the LifeShare picnic in OKC. I had thought I'd be able to do that...meet with the family...but when the time came I couldn't. What if I wasn't living the life they felt that she deserved? What if they wanted to replace her with me? Could I live up to their expectations?

One day it just got to be too much, so I stayed home. I didn't feel like dealing with childish issues from students or parents. Had several calls from people at work checking on me and Lisa and Melenda came by. Both told me to just do what I felt like doing in relation to the donor family. I finally decided to not meet with them. I told my parents if they wanted to go or stay in contact they were welcome to do so, but I already feel like I have two people living in this body...the old me and the donor...and I just didn't think I could handle adding more family to this stress. It is probably selfish and stupid, but I've been told it is a reaction that some tranplant patients have.

School finished out with me changing middle schools for the upcoming year. I just felt that staying and dealing with the stress being put on me by the building principal was too much and even though I hated leaving my work friends who had been so supportive, for my health I felt I needed to make the change. The docs at the clinic felt the same way. They filled me in on a couple of other things about my pre-transplant condition also. Apparently my rating was 1.6 from mid-November until transplant time. A rating of 1.5 would have put me in the hospital until the transplant happened. They were also getting ready to tell me to stop working and stay home and were getting ready to move me to a 1A status. I was a 1B but an A status makes your condition become a priority on the list.

I still had not left the Tulsa area at this point, although I'd been given the go-ahead to travel. But between Rob and his recovery (which was going great) and my doc appointments every month there just wasn't much time to go anywhere. I spent a lot of time with friends doing things like going to the movies, lunch, shopping, etc. and continued to work out. My new boss at my new school, Sequoyah MS, was someone I used to teach with. He was entirely different from my previous boss about the doc appointments, etc., and besides, they weren't as frequent. By this time, I had 18 biopsies on my heart and I can't even begin to tell you how many times I'd been stuck for blood work.

Melenda and Lisa had also made moves to different schools, and luckily Dawn got moved to the same site I was at. I missed seeing everyone every day but loved the work at the new site. There was a lot to do, especially since there were only 2 counselors instead of 3. But Sandy was great to work with. The work was labor intensive and it meant long hours, but I felt I was making a difference in kid's lives for the first time in a long time. I continued to have moments where I felt sorry for myself or wondered if I was living up to my donor. I suspect I always will have those moments.

Some of my friends had health issues that fall as well. It gave me a chance to pay them back for being there for me. I also lost an uncle after Thanksgiving. He had always had valve issues and I had just talked him into going to talk to my docs and see if he could be a transplant patient. We had a great talk about that on Thanksgiving morning, then he spent the day with his family. He died a week later. Also lost someone that I was close to in college...drank himself to death. Really was a waste of life but he had made that choice years ago. But funerals are hard for me now...guess I've come to close to having my own.

For Christmas, Robert got me tickets to the OSU bowl game against Alabama in Shreveport. My first trip out of Oklahoma in about 3 years. Tried to get Lisa to join us but she couldn't. So Melenda, her neice Adrainne, Dawn and I took over for a fast trip down and back. Had a blast!

Melenda, Dawn, Me, and A

School started back with a major ice storm. I lost power and so did Robert. Amy and Wendell bailed me out and took me in at their house until my electric came back on. I just felt bad when we got back...so much so that Bryan escorted me out of the school and sent me home for a day or two. Finally got rested up. I had been having problems with my stomach. Food would sometimes hang up and I would have to throw it up. I went to a gastro doc who wants to stretch my esophogus. Seems that I have a hernia that sometimes squeezes my esophogus shut. Geez, if it isn't one thing it is another!

Year two anniversary found me getting a call from LifeShare about Allen. They had talked to his mother and LifeShare wanted to run a short article about Allen in their advertisements about organ donation. Annual heart cath was fine...no major issues to be found. Docs say things continue to look great and that I was given the right heart, the perfect heart. I'm just grateful to still be breathing!